Second Campaigner Challenge (of my Fourth Campaign, February 2012)
http://rachaelharrie.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/second-campaigner-challenge-of-my.html
This my entry for Rachael’s second campaigner challenge: it is tough!
Writing outside my comfort zone here… less than 200 words just
I would love to have it critiqued…
False promises
Illegal immigrants they call us. I dread each day. It’s cold and dank here. But once night falls it feels safer. We sleep side by side under the remains of this concrete bridge. There is no comfort here. Last night I lay amongst the beer cans and unforgiving cold cement tried to remember what is was like to be a boy, chasing a football, playing with water bombs, having fun.
Dawn breaks, mayhem ensues. Another fight. Over who knows what. I didn’t see it start. Avoid contact. Step outside into the rain. Get wet. Water splashes down makes me feel clean, cleaner than where I live. But Anjit is fighting over rubbish.
He came to Britain to get work, to stop being poor. He used to live on a rubbish dump, scavenge a living, looking for useful items. Like me he was tricked, we have worthless false papers. Our dreams turned sour. But he and I are family. Sat together, we rest our backs against rusting metal bridge supports; I shake my head but can’t dry my hair. Anjit checks his leg, the cut is not deep. Later we will wander, is it too late to look for work?
Goodwood
I liked your story, and I completely agree, this was a tough one, much harder than the first. I liked the disjointed style of your writing, the weary, hopeless feeling. I think it adds another dimension to the feel of your story. It fits.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kevin for being the first to respond to my story & it’s good to know that I wasn’t alone in thinking it was a tough challenge. And equally it was reassuring to know that the hopelessness of an immigrant’s situation came across in this short piece.
DeleteI agree with Kevin. The short disconnected sentences added a strange sense of desperation increasing the value and authenticity of the story. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHi Siv, I’m glad the desperation came across & thank you for leaving such a lovely compliment, it’s much appreciated
DeleteAw, that is so sad. But oh so timely. Which makes it even sadder. I think you did a splendid job. It is quite unique and I think it deserves a vote. Let me know what you think of mine. I'm #5. And a new follower, too!
ReplyDeleteNancy Hi - The idea of being homeless terrifies me so maybe the idea came from that fear and thank you for the feedback - I’ll check yours out too
Deletesounds like refugees of a not too distant future...
ReplyDeletegreat job!
Thanx Tara, but sadly I based it on current news, people live like this in the UK, which I find totally shocking
DeleteI think this is very well written, and I like how the second paragraph is a sort of poetic verse instead of prose. Great job!
ReplyDeleteAshley what a lovely thing to say about someone’s work – can’t actually believe you mean mine, thank you so much
DeleteVery evocative and thought-provoking. Really well written too. Gets my vote!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jan for voting for my story, as I really appreciate the support that I get from these challenges & I'm glad you found it thought-provoking.
DeleteA very serious story, sad story. There is not much hope for the future if it ends up like that! Nice work!
ReplyDeleteGod forbid Cherie that this is the future, too terrifying for me to countenance, I’d hate not having a proper home, however small. Thank you for the feedback
DeleteSad, but very original. Kudos. = )
ReplyDeleteMelissa Maygrove #14
If you thought it was original Melissa as that makes me very happy as hard to pull that off… I’ll check out your story too
DeleteThis is heartbreaking! Minor suggestions? You could consider deleting your second "here" in the first paragraph. I love the punchy sentences in the 2nd paragrah, but you may want to provide some punctuation in the sentence that starts "Water splashes..." These are only little things though. Well done. (#30)
ReplyDeleteLiza I really appreciate your constructive comments, & it's always insightful to get feedback that may help to improve the piece. & I will check out yours
DeleteHow sad and haunting! Very well done!
ReplyDeleteThank you for feedback Meradeth
DeleteThis is a solid take on the challenge and one that hasn't been done frequently.
ReplyDeleteRandy it's great that you think story was a solid take on the challenge,thank you
DeleteIt's so sad. Good job! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Jennifer
DeleteI do like the originality of your entry and like Liza, I too liked the way you broke down the 2nd paragraph into short bursts. It gives a dream-like feel to your text. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI am really pleased you enjoyed it as your piece is remarkably different to mine and you captured the sci-fi element which I struggle with as a concept. Thank you Elise
DeleteI thought the 2nd paragraph was too choppy, but I do like you take on the prompts. You fit them together nicely.
ReplyDelete#38
Gwen, it's always good to know what works for some will not always work for all. And I'll check yours out.
DeleteQuite a refreshingly unique approach to this challenge. I like the emotion you've created here.
ReplyDeleteCritique follows:
"Last night I lay amongst the beer cans and unforgiving cold cement tried to remember what is was like to be a boy" needs an "and" between "cement" and "tried."
"Water splashes down makes me feel clean" needs an "and" between "down" and "makes."
"Like me he was tricked, we have worthless false papers" - the comma should be a semicolon.
Esther,thank you for leaving a detailed critique, very helpful and informative. During #writechallenge's I am inclined to push the limits & boundaries so another take on the grammar is always useful.
DeleteKay...I can really feel the somber mood of this piece...good job!
ReplyDeleteJarm, one of these days I will try to write something more cheerful (promise) but for now I’m glad I captured the mood and convinced readers of the hopeless plight of illegal immigrants lost in our system.
DeleteVery nice job. I can feel the person's dejectedness.
ReplyDeleteMichelle #74
www.michelle-pickett.com/blog
Thanx Michelle will pop along & check yours out too
DeleteI can really feel the desperation in this story. I agree with others, your short sentences really add to this effect. The friendship between the narrator and Anjit was quite touching, though, so it doesn't seem completely hopeless. Great job!
ReplyDeleteNick, it's good to know that it doesn't seem entirely hopeless, that would be too depressing. Thank you for the feedback.
DeleteVery touching. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you loved it. Thank you RaeAnn
DeleteKay,
ReplyDeleteYour entry has been shortlisted to the next round of judging. Good luck!
Dawn Allen
Dawn, you’ve made my day! I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was to read this… to say that I’m gobsmacked would be putting it mildly. Thank you so much. I have all my fingers and toes crossed now!! However I may fall over when I stand up but then nobody will see me fall over!
DeleteVery good. Such sad paintings of a world gone mad.
ReplyDeleteThank you Traci, really appreciate people dropping by to leave a comment. It is very encouraging.
DeleteI really connected with your story. It's similar to the kind of things I write about. People get so angry about illegal immigrants that they forget there is a human side to their story. I thought you touched on that nicely.
ReplyDeleteHi Honey, i always try to remember that there are at least two sides to every story... especially in situations like these. Thank you for commenting.
DeleteYour campaign entry has been shortlisted and is now onto the semi-finals! Congrats and good luck!!
ReplyDeleteNancy, I am ridiculously happy... has turned my de-clutter Monday into a magic Monday! Thank you
DeleteBeautifully poignant. I loved it. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jessica for dropping by & leaving a comment its been great to get so much positive feedback.
DeleteBeautifully done. I enjoyed this piece. Great job!
ReplyDeleteKathy I'm so glad you enjoyed my flash fiction story & thank you for saying so
DeleteI can’t begin to tell you how heartening it is to receive so many positive comments and constructive critiques from readers. *Thank you very much.* My entry has made it through to the semi-final which has taken my breath away. I’m very EXCITED…
ReplyDeleteThat's a very bleak picture you've painted, but thanks for joining in the challenge and sharing your work! I was hoping that they'd be able to find a job.
ReplyDeleteIt was hard to leave a comment with the captcha.